Rough Diamonds

   The sound of my heart began to become more elusive and I began to feel weak. My mouth had suddenly fell dry and I could no longer run, my energy had been stolen from me. I looked up at the pitch-black sky with no idea of who I had become. As I took my last breath a tear rolled down my face, I turned my head to a puddle of water and could no longer recognize my reflection. This woman I saw was beaten not physically but emotionally, it felt as if I was looking into the eyes of a lost soul. I murmured my last words and had lost everything I thought I had gained.  Starting from the bottom and working my way up just to end up at the bottom again, go figure.

    

    Ten years, forty-seven days, and six hours earlier I had a heart, I had a family and knew how to love but when exactly did I lose it all. Why don’t we go back ten years so you can meet Elizabeth Huffman.

  

       Growing up as a country girl in Nebraska I always wanted to become a supermodel, to break the mold and live life like the women did on TV.  I would look in those magazines all the time and wish to be on the cover and I just knew I had the look. I lived in a small town and had a small family.  My family never approved of me becoming a model; they called it the career of failure. The reason my family called it this was because once the industry was done with you just became another has been. I always was a rebellious soul never to follow traditions, so I decided I needed to be on my own, I moved to California in search of fame and I knew there was no way I was going to fail in the land of promises. As soon as I got there I received my first gig. I found an ad in the local newspaper and it was my dreams come true.

      

     I walked into the makeshift studio and was greeted by a tall skinny man with a long gray mustache and a partially bold head. “ Hello darling, ain’t you just as gorgeous as could be.,” said the man. “ I’m Skip and this is Andrew,” he said pulling the young boy towards me. My heart was beating a million beats a minute and I could barely think straight. “Have you ever done this before, because you sure do look mighty nervous.” Said Skip. “No, Sir.” I said, “ This is my first time ever modeling but its always been a dream of mine. “  I looked around the room and I noticed there was nothing but a camera, an old couch and a red backdrop in the room. My mind began to wonder and I suddenly realized this was not a professional gig. “Where are the clothes and the make-up artist?” I said. Skip looked at me and he had a very mischievous smile on his face, “Darling, in this industry you have to work for those kind of luxuries, those things definitely don’t come cheap.” Said Skip.

   

    A sudden fear swept over me and that was the day I found out that Los Angeles was not as sunny as it seemed to be. I knew something wasn’t right and I told Skip I had changed my mind but he had other plans for me. All I can remember was he punched me a couple of times before I passed out. I woke up the next day in a torn shirt and dirty jeans on a bus stop. My head was pounding and I could barely make out the street signs. I tried to get up but I fell back down to the ground, I soon figured out that my foot was broken. I let out a loud scream for help but no one was there, it was just me, my pain, and I.  Was this really what I traveled this far for to end up at a dead end with no sense of direction?  That was the day that changed my life.

    

     The millennium had just began it was January 1,2000 and I was on my last leg. I lived my life on the edge doing every drug imaginable. Living in the slums Los Angeles my life was no fairytale everything was wrong from the grass to the bed. I had no steady job and I was living day by day just to get another fix. I walked the streets at night selling my body for anything I could get my hands on. I was once Elizabeth Huffman but on the streets I was known as Destiny.  I lost my identity, falling into the shadows of society and the light was far out of reach.  I soon befriended a woman named Erica and she was also a streetwalker, she taught me the streets and I saw her as my savior.

  

     Erica was an experienced prostitute; she had been on the streets for the twelve years. As a child her grandmother who had taken her in after her mother was murdered beat Erica everyday.  She was scarred both physically and mentally. There was no escape every time she would try to run away she would just end back in the dungeon she was forced to call “home”.  The homemade whip her grandmother kept in her closet had scarred her back. No matter what Erica would do she would always be told it was wrong.

One night Erica left the abuse in seek of closure and only found comfort from the “Johns” who told her she was beautiful after she sold her body to them. .  Even though Erica was not born a woman, she still could fool any man. She walked, talked, and even looked just like a woman. Erica is a tall slender woman with very defined features, a short pixy cut and she’s not afraid of the cosmetics (Blue eye shadow is her favorite.). They only thing she had to look forward to at the end of the night were blistered feet and a few bucks to give her pimp. 

   When I first hit the streets I didn’t get many sells because a man named Manny owned the block. He had a saying the played in all the prostitute’s mind like a song “ My block, my hoes, my cash.”  The life was nothing nice but I knew I had to eat.  I didn’t understand how I was selling my body just to give the money to someone else, so I had to sneak around Manny just to get enough money for a fix that night. I currently was living with Erica; she had become my lover and provider. I would laugh every time she would tell me about her long day at work; I always thought, “Yea, I bet.”

A routine began to form with Erica and I, we counted our daily earnings, did our drugs, and went to sleep. Eating was the least of our priorities at that time.

     I slept through the day and worked through the night. I had let my dream of becoming a model slip out of my hands in one night. I never thought I would see the day when I was invisible to the world. Everything was moving fast in the wrong direction, and I definitely wasn’t ready for it.

     As I walked the streets I would often thought back on my past life, a life where I was pure. In Nebraska I was a pageant queen and I was one of the most popular girls in high school. I didn’t always want to be this big supermodel but I was always told that I could be.  Since I was little I loved the spotlight and I never backed away from a debate. My parents had a dream of me going to Nebraska State University and becoming an accountant but I definitely had other plans. Leaving life to please others was no fairytale. I hated the way people looked at me in Nebraska and I wanted to be somewhere where beauty was everything. I guess you can say I got my wish but in a negative connotation.

 How could look my parents in the face and tell them who I am today. I am officially a no body and I feel as if can never regain the respect of my family or friends.

       No one wants face to true, but no one wants to live a lie. This was the predicament that I could not get out of. 

     While wanting on another “John” I would often listen to the past dreams the other streets walkers had. Doctors, lawyers, chefs, and models all standing next to me, women who were lost in the system and who were never given the support needed to achieve their dreams. Car after car came down the block and girl after girl was taken advantage of.

    

   One night I was walking home and I could someone lurking behind me. Every time I looked back there was no one there but I just knew there was someone following me.  I took a couple of steps before I heard the sound a large man’s voice in my ear. This voice was like no other it was powerful and it said to me, “ Your dreams are only as big as you make them.” I turned around and everything turned white and I found myself in a different location.

    

     I was in a foggy room and I couldn’t see passed my hands, which I was using to guide me through. After hours had passed it seem as if I was walking in a circle. I decided to take a sit and at that moment the fog began to clear. In front of me stood a mirror and I began to walk toward it with great suspicion. As I approached the mirror a lump formed in my throat and my hands became extremely moist. Before I looked into the mirror I took a breath and wiped my hands across my shirt. I didn’t know what to expect but it knew in my heart it was nothing pretty.

     My eyes quickly darted to the mirror but instead of my reflection it was a small child sitting on the ground with a Barbie. At first glance I didn’t recognize who the child was but after looking closely I realized the young girl was me. The girl was someone I used to be and in the blink of an eye the girl turned to dust.  I could barely believe my eyes , I wanted to cry. As I started to pull myself together, the image in the mirror began to morph into a teenage girl. Her skin was so smooth, and her eyes were sparkling like a star. I could read this girl like a book, she was pure, responsible, and definitely a dreamer. Once again this girl was me, or who I used to be. She looked directly in my eyes and began to speak,“ What happen to you , where did you go wrong ?”  My body began to shake uncontrollably and I was at lost for words. She slightly turned her head and looked at me with complete revulsion. I couldn’t muster up the courage to respond to her so I just stood there. “Answer me!” she said in a menacing voice.  I jumped with fear and tried to make words come out my empty mouth. All I could say is, “I’m sorry.” The teenage me shook her head and walked away.      

     Disappointment rushed over me like a sickness, and I turned away from the mirror. I couldn’t tolerate to see what was coming next.  I started to walk away and a large hand grabbed my shoulder and swung me around.

I ended up back at the mirror and there stood a woman. The woman I saw was filthy, she was emaciated and her eyes were filled with regret. Every bit of her was wrong, her body was hunched over as if she had a ten-pound weight on her shoulders. Make-up was smeared across her face and she was pale the midnight moon. The woman in the mirror was I and I knew change was definitely needed. I could barely recognize myself and I just wanted it to go away.

   

        I ran as fast as I could but I was not moving.  It was like my body was moving but my mind was stuck in time.  The entire time I was wishing I could just leave because the truth hurts. My wish soon came true but it wasn’t a happy one. I opened my eyes I was laying in an alley between a trashcan and a building. I was very unsure of how I got there but I knew I didn’t want to stay there long. When I finally gained enough strength to stand up and knew what I had to do. That day was the day of change in my life and I knew it was time to let go of the past and embrace the future.

 

     I walked into Erica’s shallow apartment and packed my stuff and wrote her a note. I told her I needed to find myself and I needed to become someone new. Instead of signing the letter with Destiny, I wrote in cursive Elizabeth Huffman. I took one lat look at my past and left for the bus station. I bought a ticket for San Francisco and began my new life never look back. I cut my hair and cut my ties with my prior life.